The day comes, the dead rise, and the world goes to hell.  Boomers, Gen Xr’s, and Millennials are all thrown into a crap-fest of shambling corpses and biting teeth. Who’s going to survive these days of the dead?  My money is on the Gen X-er’s, and here’s why.

 

The Boomers will be the first to go.  Lets face it, Boomers have had it pretty easy for a long time and they aint getting any younger.  The activities required for survival; sleeping on the ground, climbing fences, eating out of cans, sprinting, are not the sort of thing most Boomers are going to be able to keep up with.  Oh, they’ll try.  They had big dreams and changed the world once before, by god they’ll do it again!  But it’s been a long time since they changed anything without employees or service people to do it for them.  They’re out of practice and the learning curve is going to be steep.  This, combined with the soul crushing despair of seeing everything they built falling to shit (and perhaps foolishly trying to defend their homes or stay there so kids can find them), and they’re an early meal.

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The Millennials will fare better, after all, they’re young and spry.  But, their family ties are strong and their first instinct is going to be to head for their ever-supportive parents.  Of course, that’s a horrible idea.  Their parents are still full of hugs only now they’ve got teeth to go with it.  That’ll eliminate a lot of them.  The Millennial propensity to wait for instruction is going to be a serious problem.  For the first time in their lives they’ll have to make life or death decisions without any support network, crowd-sourced ideas, or social media.  There won’t be anyone to give them advice or validate decisions they make.  Again, it’s a sharp learning curve.  I have no doubt many Millennials will learn quick, but a lot of them won’t.   They were raised to respect opinions and rights and weren’t raised “rough”.  Getting them to acclimate to the immediate violence required to survive and go from “your thoughts are valid” to “I’m going to stab you in the eye over and over with this chair leg” is a significant challenge.  But, on the plus side, they’ve all got helmets and pads and will put them on instantly.

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On to X.  Oh X.  The zombie apocalypse is your fantasy and you’re soo suited to it!  We would have built the world too, if not for the fact the Boomers already did it and left us with nothing but low wage jobs that were constantly shipped overseas.   Now, these zombies are helping fulfill one of our biggest dreams; they’re giving us a blank slate and letting us be in charge!  And, as a bonus, they’re made of Boomers we’re resentful of and we can literally smash them!  You think an X-er is going to rush home to check on their parents when the outbreak happens?  No way!  Fuck em.  Most of us come from broken homes and started raising ourselves in grade school.

X-er’s have already been screwed over repeatedly.  We’ve gone from recession and war to a bigger recession and bigger war with only the .com bust and Y2K panic as an intermission.  It’s been one long “Oh, you’ll make it as soon as >fill in the blank< gets better”.  We don’t believe it.  Most Xer’s are pretty frustrated that we work more hours than our parents and have less to show for it.  All that pent up anger is piled on top of the standard Gen X cynicism and mistrust of authority and self reliance we’ve always harbored.  But now, not only are we vindicated and  justified for feeling that way, it’s a fantastic survival asset!  While Boomers and Millennials see killing other humans as terrible and distressing, and X-er would find it simultaneously unpleasant and  cathartic.

We love our technology, but we’re not dependent on it like many Millennials are.  I could point out that we grew up before cable tv, internet, cell phones but that’s nothing.  We grew up before microwaves, velcro, digital watches, push button phones, and plastic bottles!  We knew how to organize without that stuff, where to meet up, and could tell time just by, you know, existing.  We were unsupervised and as a result got into fights regularly, did everything without a safety net, and spilled a fair amount of blood in the process.  That was our childhood.  In a lot of ways, the zombie apocalypse would actually feel comfortable and nostalgic to X-er’s.  And don’t forget, we’ve been prepping for this since Michael Jackson busted out Thriller.

We’re not sentimental about this world going to shit.  In fact, we’re all pretty sure that’s just the normal state of the universe and yeah, the zombies would be gross, and dangerous, and you might have to smash Aunt Millie’s skull in with a cinder block, but it’s no more horrible than any other possible future we expect to roll over the horizon.  At least this way we get to control our own destiny.

And we never really liked Aunt Millie, or anyone else, that much anyway…

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